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February 2, 2011 / justerik

How I met Ben and Kelly

Two friends of mine – freshly minted friends at that – posted this on their Facebook.

I want you to comment on this status about how you met me. But, I want you to lie. That’s right. Just make stuff up. After you comment, copy this to your status so I can do the same.

I confess, I couldn’t do it. Everything you read here is true.

Note: Makes much more sense if you know a bit about Hvbris – actually, that’s a lie. It makes a little more sense.

How I Met Ben and Kelly


A Thief Joins The Party

Once, upon a sea-side nearly red with fire and so queerly
Made, not of water clearly, but of molten stone and glowing ore
I met Hellion and her Hobbit, roasting apples with a gobbet
of dream-drake and dragon raw bit spitting venomed juices on the floor.
Morsels rare from the Flame King’s store.

Ah, distinctly I remember! It was a rare Octember
And all of Hvbris, every member, danced like spice-mad children on that shore.
Frightened, I wished to hurry on past the dancers and the fury
Of these jests of judge and jury; nobles of the Flame King’s corps.
Whispered of and known in lore.

“Thief!” they called me. “Thief and Trickster!” I but shrugged for betwixt her,
Him, and their freakster band who flaming danced on sandy floor
They knew my crimes, my silver tongue so well that mouth and breath and lung
And sad songs sedately sung would all be wasted should I implore.
So I shrugged, and knelt before.

“Sprite, you are here at this court not just for crimes but for your sport,
For your cleverness, sharp retort, for laughing as your victims swore!”
This was new. I had expected to be tortured and perhaps selected
To remain a monument to the Flame King’s perfected glory and love of gore.
I listened, rapt for more.

“I the Hobbit and she the Hellion are fomenting grand rebellion
Against the Flame King! Fell Yennon! Foul Shogguth! The Thing Which Sleeps Behind The Door!
All his princes, his daughters demonic, all his fiends and beasts draconic
All will die dread deaths ironic. Lackey is a role we have outwore.
You will join us in our war.”

“Am I then to be your flunky?” I asked. “Join the Monster, and the Monkey
Artist, Elf and other funky followers I’ve not met heretofore?
And what need’ve you, what calling for a thief and trickster hauling
No sharp, smart sword mauling, just cleverness and a mouth that’s too cocksure?
A jester to cry ‘Hail, God-Emperor!’?”

That is when they made it known I was not to be some warrior thrown
Into the bloody battles shown to be the usual way kings are toppled o’er.
They wanted quick and stealthy, someone with no want of wealth he
Who romanced, robbed and ran for his health, he who was a trickster at his core.
That was me, every pore.

I’ll not tell the tale, not here, not now. Some other time I’ll tell you how
I stole the crown from the Flame King’s brow and Hobbit was made God-Emperor.
It’s an exciting song, the highest good against the foulest wrong,
A story silly, sad and strong and I wind up in the King’s boudoir.
Another time. And not before.



Leave a Comment
  1. Hellion / Feb 2 2011 9:12 am

    There are no words. This is %#$^ epic.

  2. God Emperor Hobbit / Feb 2 2011 9:50 am

    Epic, my friend. Epic.

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