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January 14, 2010 / justerik

Let the moonlight take the lid off your dreams

It’s not late enough for bed, but I’m sleepy, and the space heater is keeping a three foot square of the bed warm. If I move, that part of my body gets cold, so I’m curled up, cozy but awake like a cat. Listen to me talk about stuff while I wait for myself tire out?

You’re sweet.

It’s been pretty comfortable, the first two weeks of the decade. I’ve had meals with friends and shared stories. I’ve met some people, and liked them. I’ve read to little kids, and sang in the shower. I keep forgetting my birthday is coming, just a few days away. I had a cookie, some popcorn, and ice cream for dessert today, pretty much overwhelming dinner. It was nice.

I love women. That’s a thought I’ve kept hidden away from myself since high school out of a fierce feminism and a misguided desire to not be my father. But let’s face it, you’re all gorgeous and fascinating and delightful. If we’re close friends, chances are at some point I was completely head over heels in love with you, at least once. I hate that there isn’t world enough and time to know you all, your heartbreaks and little joys and what you laugh at when no one is looking and what you taste like. Ah well.

I need to get fat again, so that I’ll feel an urgency to exercise and eat right once more. Instead I want to put on winter weight and hibernate. That should bother me. It doesn’t. This is why I never get anything done. Like clean my bedroom. It’s terrible in here. I’ll clean it after I’m done hibernating.

(Technically, bears do not hibernate, by the way. Bear sleep state is a completely different thing. Eat that, common knowledge.)

I miss telling stories. For the last few years the only stories I’ve been able to tell are autobiographical, and comi-tragic. I should stop that. David Sedaris is better at it anyway, and I miss the monsters and dragons and talking mountains who used to keep me company.

I’ve been waiting for the hot water to go take a shower. But it’s been an hour now. I should probably get clean and get in my pyjamas and stare at the ceiling and drift off.

Thanks for listening. There are things in my head that refuse to become anything and refuse to stop bothering me, so I can’t sleep. I try not to bother you with any of that, but sometimes it can’t be helped.

Good-night.

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One Comment

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  1. mt / Jan 14 2010 4:44 am

    The world has more for you than it seems.

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